I want to run away! Seriously!

Life isn't treating me well these days. I have loads of things to say to a lot of people but when I try, I get all lost and I don't understand how to say, what to say to my 'friends'. I have been observing people around me these days and I have learnt one thing: The best way to avoid pain is to stay away.
In the last post, everyone who has commented has told me that sooner or later, I'd get over Him but I don't want to get over him. Never. He's the one I love. Forever and Ever. I learnt to love, to care when He came into my life.
My friend's boyfriend is His best friend and he came down to Dehradun to visit her and I've been having these weird feeling, the feeling of hurt, the feeling of being ignored, the feeling of not being loved. I miss him, I miss him a lot. And, he never understands. I had this weird feeling and I called up my friend, who I had a 'crush' on, and told him that I WANT a boyfriend and I need one and he got angry at me and I got all hyper and now we've stopped talking.
These days, I want to run away. Run away to some place where I don't want to be found. I don't want to talk to people. They've stopped asking me as to what's wrong with me coz it's useless. I don't know what to tell them. I don't know what to say.
No one understands. I have friends who're committed and they talk to each other about their boyfriends and everything and well, I get frustrated. Not that I can't get a boyfriend. I don't want one. It's not about a boyfriend. It's about him. I know I've committed a lot of mistakes, hurt him a lot but hasn't he hurt me?
Daaaahh! I am sorry, this one wasn't supposed to be a rant but that's what it has turned out to be.
I want to run away. Seriously. I feel left alone. FML!

P.S.: I am extremely sorry for not commenting on your posts. I read them, like always.. I just don't know what to write.
Also thank you for being there! :)

How We Met

We're not in a relationship anymore but we still talk sometimes. We're not a "thing" any more but we still understand each other or so I like to believe. Do I love him, still? I don't know. Do I want to know? NO. The family pandit ji told me that there won't be stability in my relationships and jobs till the age of twenty-five. And, for some reason, unknown to myself, I believe he is true (I hate to say this, though). We broke up for n number of times. Till a few months back, I couldn't imagine my future, my life without Him. Now, I have no freaking clue, what my future holds and you know what? This sucks.
Anyway, this post isn't supposed to be all about cribbing and crying, although I am going through the phase, where you feel rotten and run away to the Himalayas to live alone.

How did your first date go? How did you first meet your guy? How did you look? How did he look? 

My first meeting with Him went like this. 

I was fifteen and a half and he was nineteen. Me, a tenth grader. He, a first year marine engineering student. How we came to know each other, is another story which I will narrate some other time. Right now, you need to know that we hadn't seen each other before. Never. Although we used to talk for hours on phone. Yes, when the call rate for STD calls was Rs. 2.75 per minute.
He was back for his vacations and we desperately wanted to see each other. So far, all our plans got cancelled for some reason or the other. 

One day, I got off the bus at my stoppage and started walking towards my home. It was a five minute walk. I had only taken a few steps when I spotted someone looking at me. When I looked at him, I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was the most handsome guy I had ever seen. Not that I had seen a lot of guys. Girls' school restricts the scope, you know. He smiled and  I looked away. 

He was there, chewing a gum, in a turquoise blue shirt, blue jeans and shoes. He had this smile which tugged at my heart. I looked at him again, and he was still looking at me. That scared me a little. I walked a little farther. And, I don't know why but something made me turn back. He was there and then he came closer to me and said, "Anuranjani?" and my heart skipped a beat. It was Him. I couldn't say anything so I nodded. He smiled, extended his hand and smiled a little more. 

It was Him. But it couldn't be Him. He looked nothing like he had said he looked like, nor did he sound the way he did on phone. He was tall, broad shoulders and well built. Fair with a breath-taking smile. On the phone, he'd told me he was okay-ish tall, dark, looked just okay. 

The person standing in front of me was nothing less than a movie star. Seriously. 

He walked me to my home. We stopped in a lane to talk but a few aunties stared at us, like we were from some other planet or were some extinct species, so we just walked, stealing glances and secretly smiling.

Twenty minutes. That's for how long our first meeting/date lasted.

I went home and the first thing I did was look into the mirror. Ouch! Disaster, I looked.Total Disaster. For a few minutes, I thought he must have freaked out. :|

He called me in the evening and I asked Him, how he thought I looked and he said, "better than the picture of you I saw". Yes, he'd seen a picture of me but I had not.

And, oh! He had brought a chocolate for me which remained in his jeans pocket and which he gave to his mother. I got nothing on my first date. :P

So, that's how we first met.

Two months later, he proposed to me.

P.S.: I've only met him thrice in four years and three years of our relationship. 

P.P.S.: Let me know if you want to know about our second meeting too. :P

P.P.P.S: I really, really want to show you his picture but I cannot. He'll kill me. He's the kind of guys who girls drool on. :| My friend once said that he was too good for me. :|

Please, please, please forgive me for not commenting on the posts. Not in the best of state of mind, I am in. I will comment soon. Real soon. Just that I am going through a really bad phase, where all I want to do is run away to some place where there is no one, just lots of my kind of music. 

And, sorry for this really long post. 

Three years and I haven't even kissed once. So, this is enough for you to forgive me for this really long post. ;)

I Love You

With that smile on His face and that glint in His eyes, how did He expect her not to fall in love with Him? Those eyes, those lips, that nose and the chiselled face— He was dropped straight from Heaven.  She drooled over His smile. She was transported into another world when He looked at her, the way He was looking at her. How could one person be so perfect, so flawless and how could she be so lucky?

He was waiting. Waiting for her to say something and she should have said something but she was too dumbstruck to say anything. She smiled and he smiled back and there appeared the magic dimples— deep and totally killing. She held her breath; he was holding his, since long. He asked her to say something, anything. Said that the silence was getting very uncomfortable. But, she couldn’t speak. She pinched herself from under the table and blinked several times. He grinned. She stared. He asked her again and this time she found her voice and said, yes.

What did he ask her? Well, he asked her if she loved him as much as he loved her. Did she love him? She did. Since that very first moment she had seen him when she was in class tenth and he was in twelfth. Four years it took him.
He came and sat beside her and held her hand. Absolute Bliss. She shifted closer. There were a lot of people in the restaurant. To hell with the people, she thought. His face inched closer. She knew what he was going to do. She had seen a lot of movies and read a lot of books. She closed her eyes. His lips brushed hers. She felt a thrill. Her grip on his hand tightened and he kissed her a little harder. His mouth brushed her ear and he whispered those three magic words: I Love You.

P.S.: No. This is not what happened with me. Yes. This is what I want to happen with me! ;)

I don't know what to call THIS!

I have reasons to be happy and I have reasons to be sad and I am confused. :|
It's my birthday on Sunday. :D Yes, the thirteenth, the "lucky" number, thirteen. 


My parents gifted me a laptop. :D


HP Pavilion, G Series. It is Red and B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. The screen is 15.6" and I love it but... Yes, here comes the word- But.. I am not getting to take this to Dehradun this time. :| I know, Sad and I could do with a little sympathy. It's been only thirty hours since I got the laptop (yes, I counted the hours) and I am already so addicted to it. I have no clue how I'd survive without my dear laptop. :( The Samsung Netbook that I have seems so small and full of flaws, now. 


Another bad news is, I'd be travelling the entire day, on Sunday. :| So, no birthday celebrations and no party. I know, I know, I'll turn twenty and I should start behaving like a responsible adult but that is just not me. I don't know why people expect me to behave like an adult and stop behaving like a kid all the time, now that I am turning twenty. 


I want to be six again. 


Oh! And I also saw him yesterday. I thought I won't tell anyone in case my chances of seeing him again got jinxed, but What the Heck! As if I'd see him again, if I didn't tell you all.
I went to the park yesterday evening with my two year old niece, Zara. I was my usual self, talking, laughing, playing when I saw him. 


He was standing there, 5'11'', in a blue shirt, blue jeans and white sports shoes. He has the best jaw-line in the world and an oh-so-awesome physique and he kept adjusting his specs while playing with his nephew. Yes, yes, I shamelessly stared at him. He is that handsome. I knew he was un-approachable, just like all the good-looking guys, so I sighed and turned to play with Zara. Hide and Seek- that's what we were playing. She was to hide and I was to find her. She chose him to hide behind.  I thought of ways to bring her back without attracting attention from him. There wasn't any way, so I went from behind and said, caught you, in the lowest possible voice. Zara laughed and ran away. He turned back and looked at me (for about 5 seconds) and smiled as if I was some good chirpy kid. 
It made me uncomfortable. Those 5 seconds made me conscious as to what I was wearing. And the smile. Aaahhh! I almost fainted. Breath-taking, mesmerizing, the cutest I have ever seen. I, as it is, have a weakness for dimples. Ouch! I so wanted to keep standing there, looking at him but obviously couldn't. After what seemed to be my fifth attempt I muttered, "Sorry, that was not meant for you. My niece. She was hiding behind you."
"I know," he said and smiled again. Made me go all weak in the knees. My entire thought process got stuck and suddenly I had no place to look at. 


Isn't this what happens in the movies and books? 


And then I heard my name being called out. Di. She's always there at the wrong time. I rushed towards her. I could feel his eyes on me. 


No. It was NO love at first sight or maybe it was. :| I had never felt this nervousness around anyone, not even for my first debate competition, not even when I went to represent my school for the debate competition, not even for the college interviews. After a long time, I was unable to look into someone's eyes because I was too conscious. 
I was smiling all evening, yesterday coz I saw him. Him as in him, the guy in the park. 
Even when I am writing this post, I am smiling. 


Oh, and this reminds me, I should also tell you that I don't think I am going to see him again for the following reasons, unless God has planned something(I so wish, he has):
1. I don't know anything about him. No, Not even his name.
2. I am leaving for Dehradun, today. So, NO CHANCE.




Therefore, see, I have reasons to be happy and also to be sad. I don't want to be travelling on my birthday. I want to celebrate my birthday, with cakes and balloons and candies and gifts. I don't want to grow up. I don't want people to expect me to behave all grown up and matured. 
I want to take my laptop with me, THIS TIME. 


Most importantly, I don't want to go back. I have already missed a lot of classes and I may get debarred coz I am really low on attendance but I still don't want to go. It's strange. When I was here, I couldn't wait to go out. Couldn't wait for a hostel life. Now, I feel, Home is so much better. God, please do something about my confusion. :| 




P.S.: I never thought this post would get so long. 


P.P.S.: Birthday wishes are always welcome. I love it when someone wishes me Happy Birthday! :D :D


P.P.P.S.: When I am very excited/sad/happy, I talk gibberish, so forgive me for talking gibberish. I am so full of different kinds of emotions right now, I don't know what to do or say or how to say. So I guess, I better shut up.




One last thing! :D
I was about to go to sleep but I decided against it and decided to read the recent post of my awesome fellow bloggers, I follow and guess what! I have been awarded! :D :D
My first ever award! :D

Thank You so much, Serendipity!! :D :D :*

If Only

The eyes that looked back at him were full of love and affection. No. The picture did not do justice to her beauty. The big, beautiful, gray eyes, always lined with kohl, the cute little nose and the nose stud she wore, the naturally pink lips all set in that heart-shaped face made her look like an angel. The smile, the dimples that the smile brought, the way her eyes brightened every time she smiled had taken his breath away every single time he’d looked at her, since the last sixteen years, ever since they were six, No camera in the world, no artist could ever capture her beauty. 
He’d considered himself lucky to have her. To have her love.

She’d promised to stay with him forever. Didn’t she tell him that no matter what, she’d always love him? Hadn’t she promised that even if he wanted her to leave, she wouldn’t because she loved him too much? Didn’t she tell him that she’ll never leave him alone? Then why?

Why did she go? Why did she leave him when he hadn’t even asked her to? Why did she break her promise? Where did the forever go?

He hadn’t asked her to leave. He couldn’t, ever. But, she did. For God wanted her to.

To see someone die is painful. It hurts. To see someone you love more than anything else in the world, die is excruciating.

He blamed himself for her death. No matter what his friends said, no matter how much his parents consoled him, no matter what HER parents said, he held himself responsible. The doctor had declared her brought dead and she’d died with his name on her lips and his hand in hers. He’d seen the pain on her face but he had also seen the love in her eyes.

If only he’d not called her while she was crossing the road. If only he’d not dared her to cross the road, alone. If only he’d not asked her to meet him, that day. IF ONLY.

He looked below. 20,000 feet. He couldn’t even do that. HE couldn’t even die. He knew he couldn’t end his life. The parents-his and hers would not be able to take it. Her parents had lost their only child. His parents would lose theirs if he jumped. 

He walked back to their home. The house she’d wanted since she was nineteen. He knew he’d buy it. Buy it for her. But, there was no her.

He wondered where she was. He wondered if she was watching him. Tears were flowing and he wondered if she was crying with him, wherever she was.

“I don’t want you to cry. Not a single tear, okay? I love you. Always have, always will,” he whispered.

Two month later, he died in a road accident. 

I Wanna Get Married.

I so want to get married. I have always wanted to get married. Weddings have always fascinated me. Ever since I was a kid, I have dreamt of getting married. When I was a kid, I asked my best friend if she'd marry me. She said she had no problems with that, only, it'd be better if I married a guy.

I was in the fourth standard and my best friend had changed. This time, a guy. He was my neighbour. I remember attending my cousin's wedding that year. I went crazy. All the gifts, the food, the dance, the make-up. Everything left a deep impact on my innocent mind and all I could think of, was ways to get married. First, I needed someone to get married to. I thought of ShahRukh Khan, but I couldn't contact him. Yes. He was that busy. :P So, after I returned from the wedding, I went straight to his(my best friend's) house and in a very serious tone asked him if he would marry me. He refused. I ran away. Next day, we were playing and I asked him again. He refused again. I tried to lure him into the marriage. I told him how we'd get innumerable gifts and how we'd eat the best food ever and How beautiful I'd look and everything and he still refused. I asked him the same thing in twenty different ways and he freaked out and complained to him mom. :|
I was at my naughtiest in the fourth standard! :P
Read This and you'll know:

I grew up a bit and I still wanted to get married. *sigh*
And, well, Shah Rukh Khan was all I could think of. He was everything I wanted my husband to be, which precisely was good-looking.

I Loved him them. I Love Him Now and I will Love him Forever. <3

I had a boyfriend for a little while, when I grew up. :D  I asked him once if it'd be okay if we married and then continued our education. He was speechless for a few minutes. :|

And then I fell in love again. 

Yes. With Him. 

Ian Joseph Somerhalder. He is gorgeous and I totally want to marry him. *Sigh* So totally out of reach he is. :(

So, since I cannot marry SRK or Somerhalder, I better settle down for someone, anyone who's ready to marry me. Err, not really. 

I wonder what my future hubby's doing right now. Talking to his current girlfriend? Err, I don't think I like the thought of it, even. 

Love marriage is not meant for me. I am too confused a person to actually fall in love. :|

I wonder what I'd do when someone comes to me, sits on one knee, presents a ring and asks me to marry him. 

It'd be so romantic. 

No. The diamond needn't be this big. :P

I'd get married twice. With the same person, of course. :D 

Once, the traditional Hindu wedding and then the Christian wedding. I'd love to dance with him and I absolutely want to have a father-daughter dance.

And then, we'll live happily ever after. 

P.S.: My best friend? He took his revenge two years ago. He called me one night and proposed to me. I totally freaked out. He was kidding, thankfully. Taking his revenge, he said.

P.P.S.: Still a minimum of five years before I can actually get married. :(

P.P.P.S: "Love or arranged, it's all the same once you get married." - My elder sister.

Stupid Me

I can be so, so, sooooooooooooooooooooo Stooooooopid! :(

Unfair, Unfair, Totally Unfair! :|

Okay. So, here is what happened. I was deleting drafts and I accidentally deleted my recent post. Can I recover it? Can someone help me do it?!

I would have re-written (typed) it, but I don't want to, at the moment.

HELP!!!

Okay. Good Night. :|

Alcholic Me.

Alcohol transports me into a different world altogether. I cry, I laugh, I talk, I complain, I am sarcastic(which I usually am not :( ) and I get all senti. I am at my best worst when I am drunk. I have never been drunk, really. One peg/shot is enough for me. It has this strange effect on me. Everything seems beautiful ugly. I find no faults in everyone. I am carefree stupid, confident and awesome weird.
I was talking to my dad this evening when he asked me, "So, what birthday plans?" and I was reminded of a birthday party, where I had a peg of Whiskey. Royal Challenge 350 or something of the sort. That was the day, I swore off alcohol. I had a shot of Vodka once and I had behaved, the exact same way I behaved that day. I had always believed that it was Vodka. With 70 percent alcohol content, what else do you expect? But, no. It's alcohol. I go crazy. I remember laughing madly for about eight minutes, without break., without any reason., at all. Yes, My friends were seeing the watch. I would have posted a photo of that day but my laptop's crashed.
I don't really remember what happened that day but I have my friends to remind me of all the stupidity. I remember staring at a cute guy with a date. That earned me some really nasty stares from the girl, though.
This is what happened at the party.
                                                      

Me *trying to stand up*: I'll be back.
Friend 1: Where are you going?
Me *Still struggling*: The Washroom
Friend1 to Friend 2:  I think you should go.
Me *Raising my left  right hand: I am not incapable, okay?

After I came back from the washroom, where I was followed by my friend like a detective, I sat still, staring at my friend, who by the way is insanely hot.
He: Anu?
Me: Yes.
He: The food is there.
Me: You look yum!
*IMAGINE* I said THAT. TO HIM. I still cannot look him in the eyes. :|

A few minutes later, something else had my attention. This time, I wanted to act. I wanted to show my friends how my political science teacher walked and talked. EeeeEEEEEeeeee! Seriously, he is so funny. :D
But, I was stopped because of this conversation.
Friend: What's that thing on your plate, Anu?
Me *flashing a broad smile*: Chicken.
Friend: Isn't it yummy?
Me: Totally.
Friend: You want more?
Me: YESSSSS!!!!
Friend: Then finish it off. Quick.
Me: *starts eating*

When I came out of the restaurant, there were a few beggars. Now, I always have a soft corner for these poor people. I gave one of them my wallet, that had my debit card, my Driving License and Dad's credit card. Not to mention, eight hundred rupees.


Don't worry I got that wallet back. :D

P.S.: I swore off alcohol that day.

P.P.S.: I don't know why am I not able to upload pictures. :'(

Confused Confession

I changed my blog's name. I changed my blog template too. For the simple reason that this suits me more. I am one confused character. My BFF calls me the confused-est person on Earth. I have always agreed to it, silently, never accepted it. But, it's time now that I did. Time now thatt I confessed to it. Yes, I am confused. To the core. Simple things confuse me. When it comes to choices, I leave them on the people I trust. And, when it is absolutely necessary for me to make a choice, well,  it takes me an eternity to make one. 

From simple things like, choosing the colour of paint for my room to important life-changing decisions like choosing the right guy for myself, I always find some thing, some small point and manage to get confused. And, so I have decided, never in my life, will I even think of  love marriage. Yesterday evening my BFF said, It's an art which only you know. Only you can get confused this easily and to that extent. I mean "what to eat first?" Seriously? Take a bow Anuranjani Verma. 

                                                              

It's my birthday in a few days and, no, I am not confused about that. :P

This thing, this confusion is like an ever-haunting problem. Something I can never get rid of. Sometimes I get totally frustrated with myself. My head aches and I want to throw away, leave everything and run away to a place where there never arises a chance of any decision to be made and I can live peacefully. 

Anyway, it is my birthday in a few days (yeyeyeye! ahem!) and Ma's getting me new clothes. [Clothes are her department and the rest- Dad's!]  She asked me this morning, What do you want for your birthday? Something traditional or like always-Jeans?

I sighed and since I did not want to think and I wasn't even sure as to what I really wanted, I said, BOTH. Only if all the decisions in life were so simple.

When a year and a half ago, I had to decide between English Honours and Law, I chose law. Again, I sometimes do regret choosing law since Literature was always my love. 

This or that. Here or there. 

I called up my best friend in the morning and we were talking about some cute guy in her college when all of a sudden, she said: Thank God, You aren't confused between Him and Her. 

Now, That is insulting! :|